A Serious Journal

Journal for Christa—

This is a serious journal because I’ve been thinking for some time now—thinking about marriage and what happens there long term. Why some people make it and others don’t. I suppose this mulling over was prompted by people who just walked away—just walked away after years—30 years, maybe 40.

I heard one person say, “There’s someone else; there always is.” But somehow I don’t think so. I’m more inclined to think that at that point it was more of a desperation—a thought of, “I’m not spending the last 15-20 years of my life like this.” I don’t really know. I didn’t know them well.

But that prompted another question. Why would people in that much trouble for all those years not realize their train was headed for a cliff? And if they knew, why would they ever keep barreling onward toward certain destruction, unless they just didn’t think it was certain?

Then that led to a decision—the decision that before I could write such a journal, I needed to make certain where my train was headed. Maybe I shouldn’t make assumptions. So, waiting for the timely moment, I just said to Jay, “Now is there anything about me that bugs you? Because I don’t want you thinking in ten years you can’t deal with it anymore and walking out. Just tell me, because if there is— I will fix it!”

My drama gets little response from Jay, so he looked up from the couch where he was lying and simply stated, “Not a thing.” But, our conversation continued as so: (While reading, remember that I’m rather passionate about marriage and am very expressive; Jay is also passionate about marriage and is as calm as a placid lake on a windless day.)

“How could people not know? Really! How could they not know there were issues?”

“They knew.”

“But why? Why would they ignore that for all those years? That doesn’t happen over night.”

“It was dead long ago. They quit having fun together… a long time ago.”

And that ended the conversation.

So, these days I’m thinking about fun. And you can believe that afternoon, about an hour later, I took up my dancing shoes and headed off to lessons—for two solid reasons: Kathy’s lessons are cheap. And Kathy’s lessons are fun!